World without Ding Dongs is a sad day

President Obama is re-elected and

  • The stock market drops 2 percent the next day. (Can you say whacked 401K?)
  • A Costco email flyer arrives advertising a sale on a year’s supply of non-perishable food. (Can you say Armageddon?)
  • I took my car into the dealership for service and stopped to say hello to the man who sells me Chevrolets. He has not sold a car since the election, even with zero interest forever deals.
  • Even before the election, a Texas judge ordered a tax increase to bolster the county law enforcement in case Obama was re-elected. He wants to keep anarchists out of Lubbock.

And now the final coup de grace; the knife in the heart; the punch in the well-endowed stomach. Ding Dongs are disappearing.

When I heard the news, I summoned my wife. “Jump in the pickup, Momma. We’re gona to make the rounds of all the grocery stores in town and pile the bed high with the last of this world’s Ding Dongs. On second thought, go find a reefer trailer. We can park it in the driveway and plug it in.”

What is this country coming to? We spend gazillions to prop up a mismanaged car industry and pour money down a rat hole into doomed-to-failure solar corporate boondoggles, and yet we sit back and let the likes of Ding Dongs, Ho Ho’s, Twinkies and Wonder Bread disappear. What has America become? A nation without heart and gastronomic decadence? Why can’t we keep the money printing presses going a bit longer — just a few million more? My children and grandchildren will sacrifice, so I can enjoy Ding Dongs in my twilight years.

I am a proud American who would never consider departing this great country, regardless of which group of political misfits rule the place. But now? If Ding Dongs are still sold in Costa Rica or Australia, never say never. Canada? Forget it. Too cold.

How can I make more interminable, bounce-along junkets down deteriorating Interstate 5 from Stockton to Sacramento without stopping for sustenance (Two Ding Dongs and a giant Diet Coke) at the Flying J Travel Plaza at Lodi? It is a future not to contemplate.

Will I never again relish the crunch of a frozen Ding Dong? It can’t be happening. Surely the Bakers Union will acquiesce and agree a new contract. Then I read the quote, “It’s too late,” from the Hostess honcho. Hostess is filing for bankruptcy. It’s over. The last of the chocolate-coated delicacies that look like hockey pucks will never roll my way again.

A Ding Dong junkie who has been thrilled over the years at the sight of a three-pack for the price of two, however, does not give up easily.

Ding Dong and other Hostess brands will be sold out of bankruptcy. I am forming the Ding Dong Phoenix (like rising from ashes) Non-Profit Corporation. As the president of this venture to resurrect Ding Dongs, I realize profit may be elusive. Profits may be eaten up in the manufacturing process.

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